Exposing Male Violence Against Lesbians

38. Grace P 27/10/2021

My peak trans moment came during a time of total betrayal by everyone who I thought loved me. I was 24 and divorcing a man whom I had met online at 17-- him being four years my senior, so 21 when we began interacting. My ex was deep into anime and gaming communities like I was, and I would later realize that pornsickness and fetishes took over his mind. A lot of motivation for liking the characters he did was through artwork of these girls being tied up and gagged. He was a textbook autogynephile who also enjoyed BDSM. He wanted to envision himself as the submissive one, which in my backwards thinking at the time made me think he was more sensitive, feminine, and wouldn't mind if I took charge in the relationship. This, in addition to our shared hobbies, was appealing to me. I had literally no one else at the time and he came on hard and fast, calling me his best friend the first time we talked. He would also tell me a sob story of how he was beat up by bullies as a child on our first date. I would later realize these are all red flags. I have always been attracted to women. But I think until I was 24, I was hoping I could make myself attracted to men, too. I knew how much easier my life would be if I could just have a normal heterosexual marriage like everyone else around me. It seemed doable before I actually did it-- before I knew how I hated the way men smelled, their bony shoulders, their scratchy faces, their deep baritone voices, their dangling dicks that always seemed to be begging for you to do something to them. It all ended up disgusting me when I was actually faced with it. However, I had a poor family and no income. This ex was the only thing keeping a roof over my head. I went to nursing school while in a relationship with him, knowing I was longing to be with a woman as I had in high school with a girlfriend. I was a kind, loving, normal girlfriend when I was in a relationship with my ex. It wasn't his fault I realized I was a lesbian so late. I thought I would be fine to end the relationship on good terms when I would be able to take care of myself and that he might even support me. I even continued to have sex that would repulse me and was entirely for his fetishes. I did outlandish things I am ashamed of today. And he never touched me in a way that pleasured me or made me orgasm once. I had told him a year before our split how I felt-- that I didn't like what he liked in bed and that I wanted it to stop and that I was coming to the conclusion I was a lesbian and not attracted to him. He responded to this by telling me I'm not a lesbian, I'm just "probably nonbinary" (as if that would have been relevant to anything?) and that he felt that he now wanted to be a woman all the time, not just in bed (as if being "a woman only in bed" is something anyone can do). He was telling the world he was a trans woman now. I saw what he was doing. My out was that I am realizing I'm a lesbian and if he is a "trans woman," I have no reason to leave him, since he is supposedly a woman now. The bastard. I remember still being a good girlfriend at this time-- I took him to get his makeup done, I'd escort him in and out of women's restrooms, I'd give my thoughts on his outfits (he had no fucking idea how to dress and saw women as a fetishitic costume-- I at least made him presentable to the public). I was an amazing ally in every way. I was the "cool girl." I was a good libfem. But at the end of the day, I was still sucking a dick, no matter how it fucking identified. I'd ask him when he was starting hormones and if he wanted to get any surgeries. In true autogynephile fashion, he was too scared to start any hormones or cut his dick off. "I like the way it works now," he'd say. I was holding onto hope that maybe if he took hormones and had no penis, I could force myself to be attracted to him. Realizing that he would still be entirely male in body made even the "good girlfriend" in me worried that continuing this relationship meant continuing to have sex that disgusts me. I needed to get out. I finished nursing school, got a job, and re-iterated the points to my ex that I had sent in an e-mail the year before-- that I was not interested in the fetishistic sex we were having and that I was attracted to only women. I was leaving and it was final. This set off the narcissist in him. He proceeded to contact everyone I knew-- online friends in the anime/gaming communities, my nursing school friends, friends I hadn't talked to in 7 years, my cousin, even my own parents-- and prep them with a manipulative speech of his own design. He said "Grace always lies and she's about to lie to you again. Don't believe her. Here's my side of the story." I'm not even sure what else he told them, but I do know he told everyone in my life not to listen to whatever I say. And you know what? They believed him. They saw the sad puppy dog eyes I had seen years ago and chose to believe them over me, the person they had known longer than him. Just recounting it makes me sick to my stomach. This happened three years ago now and I still cry to my therapist about it. I watched everyone who I thought loved me take the side of my autogynephilic, narcissistic ex. I lost contact with many of them-- of the people I listed above, I only still talk to my cousin and parents. He was set on ruining my life if he couldn't have me, which made me finally realize that he never actually loved me at all. He just loved what I could do for him. I tried so hard to force myself to be attracted to men and it led me to only pain. I have since healed a lot. I'm in a relationship with a woman being my true self. It is hard being a lesbian, as I expected, but it is so worth it to be your true self. I believe that transgenderism is a nonsense word and concept. Anyone of any sex can wear whatever clothes they like, have whatever personality they like, have relationships with whoever they like, so long as these actions do not directly harm others. These outward projections of personality-- hair, clothes, mannerisms-- do not change one's sex. Even the internal personality-- liking or disliking certain hobbies, not identifying with certain sex stereotypes-- do not change one's sex. I think the only way to begin to reach any kind of gender equality is to acknowledge that anyone of any sex can do anything... sex should be irrelevant besides when it comes to terms of safety. I believe single-sex spaces should exist as a safety measure for women who are often smaller, weaker by nature of our sex. Single-sex spaces should also exist on the terms of free speech: for example, in gaming groups which are often overpopulated by men, female-only gaming groups can be a great way for women to find like-minded women in their community. The stopping of single-sex spaces directly violates laws of free speech and worse, laws that were once meant to protect women's safety.